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Age & stage discipling 101
Every follower of Jesus — especially newer and younger believers — needs to be discipled by someone who is older and more spiritually mature. They need someone to come alongside them and help them become more like Jesus (our definition of discipling).
Many elements of discipling, whether formal or organic, are the same no matter the person's age or stage of life.
- spending time with them
- listening to them
- having deep conversations with them about God and life
- reading and learning the Bible with them
- praying with them
- encouraging, guiding, supporting, and challenging them
Of course, these things play out in vastly different ways depending on who's discipling, who's being discipled, and what's happening in each of their lives and the lives of people around them. Tons of variables, in other words.
Along with the central concerns of adolescents (Who am I? Where do I belong? What's my purpose in life?), there are some central concerns about discipleship and following Jesus, namely:
- What do I believe?
- Why do I believe?
- How do I believe?
These relate to doctrine, apologetics, and practical theology, even though we don't often use those terms in our discipling contexts.
Below are some general observations and considerations for discipling people in different ages and stages. These are just frames. They provide form and functional space within which the actual artwork — people and discipling relationships — exist and hopefully flourish. The frames can be helpful, but they are not the main thing. Helping others know and become more like Jesus: that's what matters most.
Middle School: Discipling young teens
Contrary to what many people think (and it's usually people who don't actually know or spend time with pre-teens and young teens), middle schoolers are fully capable of following Jesus in sincere and meaningful ways. The only story we have about Jesus that isn't a birth or grown-up story is a 12-year-old story in which he's starting to explore and grasp deep things of faith. Jesus didn't go to middle school, but he was once middle-school-aged, and the the Gospel writer Luke thought it was important for us to meet Jesus when he was 12, because 12 is an awesome age and stage.
Most middle schoolers would answer the three discipleship questions this way:
- What do I believe? Whatever my leader believes and says is true.
- Why do I believe? Because my leader does and I trust them.
- How do I believe? However my leader does. I watch them and imitate them (or at least try to — when they aren't being grown-up-weird).
Some people might think discipling middle schoolers is easy. But just look at those responses. Can you think of any higher responsibility than being the source, reason, and model for someone else's life of discipleship? You must clearly communicate what you believe. You must not confuse them with in-depth reasons for why you believe. And you must model humble obedience to show how you believe.
Discipling middle-schoolers is a high calling. And it's glorious because middle-schoolers will continually surprise us with their quick wit, savvy questions, boundless energy, brutal honesty, and unexpected insights.
Here are a few tips for reading and talking about the Bible with middle-schoolers.
Length and focus
Middle schoolers can absolutely read and understand the Bible with our guidance. Be sure to use a version that's easy to understand, like the New Living Translation or the Good News Bible.
A good rule of thumb is to spend about 15-20 minutes reading and discussing a Bible story with them. Focus primarily on narratives about Jesus and other biblical characters rather than more technical teaching passages. Try engaging them with new and different ways of reading. Some leaders have middle-schoolers retell or re-enact a Bible story to gauge how well they tracked with it. Don't ask a middle-schooler to read from the Bible without asking them beforehand.
Good questions
Be sure discussion questions are geared toward concrete thinkers, which most middle-schoolers still are. Questions should be direct (don't ask in roundabout ways) and singular (don't ask multiple things in one question). You can adjust any discipleship content for middle-schoolers by modifying or breaking down abstract questions like this:
- Original question:
- What comes to mind when you hear the phrase "identity in Christ"?
- New questions:
- What does identity mean?
- What things define a person's identity?
- Can Jesus be part of someone's identity? How?
Reflect - Discuss
- What are some ways you currently disciple middle schoolers?
- What ways do you adapt or modify your discipling for this age and stage?
- Are there any changes you want to make in the ways you disciple middle-schoolers? When and how will you do that?
High School: Discipling teens
High schoolers might answer the three discipleship questions this way:
- What do I believe? The things about God that I've been taught and that I understand for myself.
- Why do I believe? Because I see things about Jesus in my leader that seem sincere and compelling, and because I've actually experienced God in my life (even if I can't exactly explain how).
- How do I believe? I'm trying to figure that out. I don't know yet. I'm watching my leader, but I'm a really different person and I'm not sure how it's going to look in my life yet.
High schoolers might add one more question:
- Why does what I believe matter anyway?
Some people might think discipling high schoolers is easy because it's where youth ministry started. It's kind of the center core of the youthmin world. But high schoolers are complex people. They're beyond childhood, but still developing and growing in all kinds of ways. They have lots of new freedoms and responsibilities, but still live at home under their parents' roof, provision, and supervision. They're at a stage of life when exploring identity and striving for independence are huge, and we are discipling them towards a God who says identity is grounded and found in him alone and who demands his children's complete surrender. In some ways, it looks like a crisis just waiting to happen.
But we all know high schoolers with deeply sincere faith who are being radically transformed into the image of Jesus, serving him humbly, and helping to change their world. We should encourage each of our high school friends to grow spiritually in the way that fits them, always pushing them further into Christlike faith while also extending grace as they figure out life with all its challenges and confusion.
Articulating Faith
One specific practice that you can begin weaving into high school discipling is learning to articulate faith experiences. For all kinds of reasons (that you can read about here), this practice actually helps cement and solidfy a teenager's faith. All the other elements of discipling are still important, too.
Prayer
High schoolers are more comfortable and willing to pray together than middle schoolers. They enjoy sharing requests with each other and checking in the next week about how things are going. Read more about leading and nurturing prayer habits here.
Doctrine and Apologetics
Without using these terms, high school is a great time to unpack the basic doctrines of the Christian faith and to begin discussing why what we believe is reasonable and trustworthy. Talk about evidence for Jesus more than proof for Jesus. These foundations will serve them well as they head off to a gap year, a job, a vocational school, or college, often leaving behind their Christian community and support system. Set them up well for what's coming next by opening the door on these deeper and sometimes more challenging discussions.
Bible
Do all you can to nurture a love and hunger for God's Word in your high schoolers. Keep digging in and reading it faithfully. It's way more important to read the Bible with them than to read other things that just reference the Bible or discuss issues from a Christian perspective. It's important that high schoolers grow to trust the authority and reliability of God's Word so that when they leave your areas and community, they have something solid to stand on. We want to raise up people who interpret the world through a Biblical lens rather than interpret the Bible through one of the world's lenses.
Reflect - Discuss
- What are some ways you currently disciple high schoolers?
- What do you think the biggest challenges are for high school students who are trying to live out their faith each day?
- Do you need to more intentionally guide any of your high schoolers into deeper faith? Do you need to more patiently walk alongside any of your high schoolers who are struggling to connect life and faith? How will you do both of those?
College: Discipling young adults
College students might answer the three discipleship questions this way:
- What do I believe? I used to be sure of this. But now I'm figuring it out all over again. I believe God is way beyond me in so many ways. He seems bigger to me than he used to (if that makes sense). I want to learn more about God and Jesus and Christianity so that I know for myself and can tell people exactly what I believe.
- Why do I believe? Because I somehow know Jesus is real. I've experienced him. I've seen evidence of him in other people's lives. But I've also seen people make a mess of life and faith, and sometimes it knocks me off balance. I believe because the truth about Jesus makes the most sense of the world — but I also know lots of really intelligent people who think Jesus is a myth and Christianity is a lie. I don't expect my faith to be like a mathematical equation, but I do want to learn more so that I can believe with confidence and conviction.
- How do I believe? Tentatively some days. All-in other days. With my whole life looming just ahead, I'm trying to figure out how to keep Jesus central when I have to figure out how I'm going to find a job, settle into a career, make five-year goals, maybe pick up and move to someplace brand new.
College students might add one more question:
- Why and how does what I believe make a difference in the world now and next year and 10 years down the road? I want my faith to matter to more than just me.
Some people might think discipling college students is easy because they're young adults who can understand deeper things and can engage new levels of discussion and discovery. But college is a world of new challenges. There are new degrees of freedom, responsibility, decision-making, and consequences.
In college, students have lots of discretionary time that they're looking to invest in meaningful things. Discipling them might include developing them into leaders who can have significant ministry to others. One of the life lessons they learn along the way is that saying yes to some things means saying no to others. Learning their limits (when they quite truly feel limitless) is an important life lesson.
In high school we disciple teens for the next day and maybe the next immediate season of life. In college, we disciple young adults for the real world. Many of them are trying to map out the next 10 years of their lives. We want to make sure Jesus is the central part of that map.
In a season of life when many people are building their life around a chosen career, and when many people deconstruct and walk away from their faith, these three discipling conversations are vital:
- Theology of Work (how my faith informs my future vocation)
- Basic Christian Theology (what we believe)
- Basic Christian Apologetics (why we reasonably and rationally believe)
Some college disciplers address each of these in a sort of elective format, offering a six-week summer class or something similar. However you choose to address these issues (along with the other basic elements of discipling), remember that your young adult friends need you as much or more than they needed mentors in middle school and high school. This is the last stop before they launch. Don't miss a chance to help them become more like Jesus.
Doctrine and Apologetics Resources
- Red Pen Logic on YouTube (step-by-step Christian apologetics)
- Unbelievable (podcast, blog, videos engaging Christians in conversation with atheists, apologetics)
- BibleProject (videos exploring texts and themes of the Bible)
- Ehrman Project (responses to Bart Ehrman's arguments against Christianity, by leading theologians and scholars)
- Biologos (bringing God's Word [faith] and God's World [science] together)
- Confronting Christianity (apologetics book)
- 10 Questions Every Teen Should Ask About Christianity (apologetics book)
- The Reason for God (apologetics book)
- Basic Christianity (basic doctrines book)
- Mere Christianity (philosophical and practical apologetics book)
- Theology: The Basics (basic doctrines book)
Reflect - Discuss
- What questions about life and faith are your college students asking? How are you answering them?
- What are the biggest challenges and doubts your students face in terms of faith and discipleship?
- How do you think about not just the immediate discipleship context but also the long-term, real-world discipleship context of your students?
Capernaum: Discipling teens & young adults with disabilities
Teens and young adults with disabilities might answer the three discipleship questions this way:
- What do I believe? I believe Jesus loves me.
- Why do I believe? Because I know Jesus is real. I feel him in my heart.
- How do I believe? I love Jesus and tell others about his love.
They might add one more question:
- Will you believe in Jesus with me?
Some people might think discipling teens with disabilities is easy because many of them are deeply in love with Jesus and excited to share his love with others. But teens with disabilities have questions and deal with sadness and frustration and confusion just like everyone else. All discipling relationships are complex and nuanced — and also joyful and glorious.
Here are some things we believe about our friends with disabilities that may help shape your discipling of them.
- We believe our friends are created in the image of God (Genesis 1), stitched together in their mother's womb, fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139).
- We believe our friends are gifted by the Holy Spirit and called to use their gifts to honor God. They are his workmanship, created to do good work that he has planned for them (Ephesians 2:10).
- We believe our friends are disciples called to give and receive love to other believers “within the limits and the full extent of our capabilities” (Dr. Ben Conner). We believe the call of Jesus in Matthew 28 to make disciples of all nations is the universal calling of all disciples, including our friends.
- We believe our friends are indispensable. We need their presence, gifts, love, joy, and discipleship for wholeness and flourishing in the body of Christ and the Kingdom of God (Ephesians 4, 1 Corinthians 12).
Our Capernaum leadership team has adapted some of our discipling content specifically for our friends with disabilities.
Meeting Jesus in the Book of Mark
Head-Heart-Hands (each lesson has a link to a Capernaum version)
Reflect - Discuss
- How do you currently disciple your Capernaum friends?
- How do you see your Capernaum friends discipling others, that is helping them become more like Jesus?
- What discipleship limits do you see others put on your friends with disabilities? How can you help expand their perspective?
- Are there ways you can invite your friends with disabilities into more discipling opportunities?
YoungLives: Discipling teen mothers
Teen mothers might answer the three discipleship questions this way:
- What do I believe? I believe God sees, loves, knows, and cares about both me and my child. That's a game-changer for me.
- Why do I believe? Because through all kinds of difficult situations and challenges, I see the love of God in my mentor — and in my child.
- How do I believe? I don't always know how to live out my faith. I'm just trying to get through life on most days. I want to understand this better, but my focus most days is on trying to be a good mother first.
Teen mothers might add one more question:
- How do I follow Jesus not just for myself but also for my child?
Some people might think discipling teen mothers is easy because they implicitly understand parent-child relationships, sacrificial love, and other deeply profound things. But teen mothers, like all teens, are trying to figure out big things in life even while they already bear significant responsibilities. In some ways, they are living in two worlds — the world of adolescence, school, and friendships, and the world of motherhood and all that comes with it.
Teen mothers especially appreciate the chance to have one-on-ones with their mentors and gather with their friends to talk about life and Jesus while someone watches their child. The demands on their time and attention are endless. Being able to lean on someone else and receive care and attention themselves is deeply appreciated.
Here are some practical things to keep in mind when discipling teen mothers, in addition to the many general things discussed above:
- Their schedule is not as flexible as many other teens. They cannot meet early in the morning or late at night because of their parenting responsibilities.
- They may not have a Bible or have resources to purchase one. Consider providing Bibles and journals for all the teen mothers you are discipling.
- Childcare — the perennial issue for all parents, and especially for teen mothers who often parent alone.
- Virtual meetings are a good option for those times when teen mothers can't get away from home. They can join a Zoom meeting with their full attention after their child is in bed.
Reflect - Discuss
- What are some ways you currently disciple your teen mothers?
- What unique questions about God, faith, and discipleship do your teen mothers have? How do you address those?
- Are there ways you tailor your discipling to the unique circumstances facing teen mothers? Are there ways you can be even more intentional about that?
- What are the biblical passages and themes that your teen mothers especially relate to?
- Considering the schedules and responsibilities of teen mothers, how can you most effectively spend meaningful time with them to help experience God's love through you and become more like Jesus themselves?
Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2103 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
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