Deeper Conversations

To listen is very hard, because it asks of us much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.

Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings. The beauty of listening is that those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends, to get to know their inner selves more fully, and even to dare to be silent with you. (Henri Nouwen, Bread for the Journey: A Day Book of Wisdom and Faith, 1985, HarperCollins, excerpt from March 11)

Conversation is a skill — maybe even an art — that's easy for some and challenging for others. Regardless of where you fall on that continuum, here are three tips, three strategies, and three POVs that can help move your conversations beyond awkward stumbles or basic back-and-forth. Of course, discipling is much more than just conversations. But since conversations are a major part of all good relationships, it's worth spending time developing and deepening these skills.

Conversation Tips

Lean In

The best conversation partners are those who lean in and do more than just listen — they really hear the other person not just with their ears but with their mind and heart. They make eye contact. They show they're tracking by nodding or affirming at appropriate times. Their body language is hospitable (no crossed arms, no drawing back, no smirking). They are all in, and it shows.

Look Beyond

The best conversation partners are those who look beyond the actual words to discern the underlying meaning. Through active listening, clarifying questions, plus a dash of wisdom, they are able to tell when the other person is

1. trying to say something more than their words can express
2. inviting follow-up questions
3. looking for guidance and direction even if they're not explicitly asking for it.

This becomes easier to do the more you know the other person. But it also requires wisdom from God. Praying before, during, and after conversations with those you're discipling is just as important (more important, actually) as the conversation itself.

Listen Through

The best conversation partners are those who aren't planning their response while the other person is still talking. They listen all the way through a statement or story or question, paying close attention to the other person's words, emotions, and intimations. It's impossible to listen fully and formulate a response at the same time. It's OK if there's a bit of silence while you gather your thoughts before speaking. Silence isn't bad. It's not the enemy of conversation. It's evidence that you've been fully engaged and are now being thoughtfully engaged.

Conversation Strategies

Here are three ways to make a conversation all it can be.

Go Deeper

Ask follow-up questions that stay on topic, focused on the speaker and their experience, while also inviting deeper self-reflection and awareness. Use questions like:

• How did you feel about that?
• Why do you think you felt or responded that way?
• What did you do next? Why?
• How do you feel about things now?

Go Wider

Stay focused on the same experience or story, but help the other person expand their perspective and awareness to include other people. Use questions like:

Why do you think X said or did that?

How do you think X felt about what happened?

What things in X's life might have made them say or do that?

Is there something that you wish you knew or understood about X? How can that happen?

Pivot

If it seems like the current topic of conversation has ended, or that the other person actually wants to talk about something deeper or more meaningful, pivot the conversation in an inviting and unforced way. Use statements and questions like:

• It seems like your questions might be more about Y than X. Do you think so? Want to talk about Y for a while?
• That reminds me of something we talked about a while back. Do you remember that? Do you think that might be related? I'd love to hear what you think.
• You have really great ideas about X. Have you ever also thought about Y? I bet you have some good questions or ideas about that too.

Conversation POVs

As a conversation progresses, most engagement and response will fall into one of these three points of view:

Compassion

In some conversations, your main role is just listening and being with the other person as they celebrate, mourn, or process other emotions. Genuine empathy is your goal. Take careful note of the things you hear, and ask about them next time you're together. See Conversation Tips​ above for ideas on how to listen well.

Conviction

In some conversations, your main role is to encourage and nudge the other person to where the Holy Spirit is already leading and convicting them. This often centers around a habit, action, or thought pattern that falls outside of God's design for his children. Use statements and questions like:

• It seems like you're sensing God trying to correct or redirect you. Why do you think that is?
• Is there a habit, action, or thought you want God to free you from? How will you invite him into that process? What do you think might be difficult about that process?
• What's been hard about living fully for Jesus? How can I help you?

Commission

In some conversations, your main role is to encourage and guide the other person closer to Jesus and what he's calling them to. Use statements and questions like:

• What do you think Jesus is specifically asking you to do for him at home/at school/at work?
• How are you spending time with Jesus? What has he been teaching you?
• Who do you think God is asking you to care for, serve, and love more intentionally? What are some ways you can do that?
• Are there some habits or practices you want to learn more about that can help you spend time with Jesus, listening to him, learning from him, and living for him?

Reflect - Discuss

• Who's been a good listener in your life? What makes them a good listener? What can you learn from them?
• Think of a time when you didn't listen well. What happened? What would you do differently?
• What's one listening skill you'd like to improve? How will you do that?
• Think of a time when you naturally either deepened, widened, or pivoted a conversation. Why and how did you do that?
• What's one recent conversation you've had that's gone really well, when you felt the Lord's presence and wisdom. Why did you feel that way? Why do you think the conversation went well?
• Is there another POV (besides compassion, conviction, commission) that you've experienced in conversations? What is it and how do you engage with it?